Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
