if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
