Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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