i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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