If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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