I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
