Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
