Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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