I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
