Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
