I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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