how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
