Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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