you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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