I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
