Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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