Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
