you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize