I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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