you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
