I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
