Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
