Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
