Ketchup is God's man juice
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
