I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
