not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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