After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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