How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
