i will never coherently bang her
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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