Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
