Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
