The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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