oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
