you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
