New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
