it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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