I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
