everyone is single if you try hard enough
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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