it's too hot outside to masturbate.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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