Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
