Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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