Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
