Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize