i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
