now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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