I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
