sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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