I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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