Need sex. Gaining weight.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
