awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
