This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Randomize
