Tell her she can't have a vagina
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
