what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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