There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
