very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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