who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
