I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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