i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I love having hate sex.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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